Kermit the Frog: Returning the Sweet Fantastic

                The gloom of the light cast a shadow on his newspaper. Its night time. Why is he reading a paper? I don’t know. Call me crazy but this guy is crazy. My name is Kermit the Frog. I’m the guy reading the newspaper. It is not easy being green, but someone has to do it.

I’ve always been a Muppet man. Jason Seagull is my boy. He has always been my boy. I love my boy. He is so funny. I love his role in How I Met Your Mother. Marshal. He is a good guy. There is no explaining my love for that man. He is my everything, my whole life, and my one true friend. MAN. The only way I can get up in the morning is because of him. We drink together sometimes, share stories, and love. But enough about Jason, I’m Kermit and the story that follows Israel.

I spend most of my time on the beach giving bread to Jason Seagull. Pondering my souls innermost questions. Like what if? And How? Or what does it mean to be a frog? Is my life purposeless? Do I have a soul? What happens if I kill myself? Is Home Depot or Lowes cheaper? These are the questions that torment Kermit day and night. These are the thoughts that provoke me to madness. There’s a reason for all this though and that reason has a name. Flippin Rico Sanchez.

I met Rico back in the academy. We didn’t talk much then but he was a butt. We instantly hated each other and started a gang war inside the academy. Everyone knows cop gang wars are a hot commodity in this bumping club we call America but this quarrel of giraffe and frog was like no other. We lost a lot of good men. Family men. The kind that make you wish your Dad didn’t run out on you as a child. Rico and I were the only ones in our class to survive long enough to graduate. A lot of empty chairs at that graduation. Including my Dads. Sad face.

After graduation I was assigned to the south side. It was a real doozy. My partner was this guy named Leo. Dang could that guy tell a knock knock. Two hours into our second patrol together Leo pulled his ACL. He died in the hospital two weeks later. Death came a knocking. HA. Leo would’ve laughed. After Leos death I was dazed and confused so I started my own private firm. The kind that’s not too hard or too soft but just firm. I got a lot of customers thinking I sold Ferns but I turned them all away. There’s no rooms for ferns in this old frogs heart. So it goes.